And My Absolute Favorite Entry from The Tough Guide To Fantasyland

Current Theme Song (aka what's playing on my ipod right now): Cymbeline by Lotreena McKennitt.




Horses.


Oh yes. It is awesome.





Horses are of a breed unique to Fantasyland. They are capable of galloping full-tilt all day without a rest. Sometimes they do not require food or water. They never cast shoes, go lame or put their hooves down holes, except when the Management deems it necessary, as when the forces of the DARK LORD are only half an hour behind. They never otherwise stumble. Nor do they ever make life difficult for Tourists by biting or kicking their riders or one another. They never resist being mounted or blow out so that their girths slip, or do any of the other things that make horses so chancy in this world. For instance, they never shy and seldom whinny or demand sugar at inopportune moments. But for some reason you cannot hold a conversation while riding them. If you want to say anything to another Tourist (or vice versa), both of you will have to rein to a stop and stand staring out over a VALLEY while you talk. Apart from this inexplicable quirk, horses can be used just like bicycles, and usually are. Much research into how these exemplary animals come to exist has resulted in the following: no mare ever comes into season on the Tour and no STALLION ever shows an interest in a mare; and few horses are described as geldings. It therefore seems probable that they breed by pollination. This theory seems to account for everything, since it is clear that the creatures do behave more like vegetables than mammals. It also explains why ANGLO-SAXON COSSACKS and DESERT NOMADS appears to have a monopoly on horse-breeding. They alone possess the secret of how to pollinate them.








And there isn't any entry on Fairies/Faeries, Susan! I was absolutely shocked. But I also have the original version. I'll get the newer copy from my library and tell you if that one has an update!

4 comments:



Katie said...

Once upon a time, I had an opportunity to purchase A Tough Guide to Fantasyland and I passed it over to someone else. This entry makes me regret that decision. My new plan for the weekend is to try to find a copy.

Also, hello from a new reader and fellow DWJ fan. :)

Cat said...

When I first bought it, I thought it was a boring book (that was way back before I began to write). Now, I love it. It's so wonderfully sarcastic. Plain marvelous.
Love at second sight ;-)

Tere Kirkland said...

Yup, this is the best one! I'll always remember this, and it makes me think twice before I put a horse in any scene!

Thanks, Heather!

Teril said...

hahaha! that was a great one. I love that book it is so dog eared and bent here.